Spiritual Abuse

 

Spiritual abuse seems to be a hot topic these days and I’m honestly really thankful that the church is becoming more aware of this insidious ploy of the enemy to oppress God’s people. I myself have been a victim of spiritual abuse and let me tell you, nothing can be more confusing or debilitating. It is incredibly powerful to deceive well-meaning, God-fearing people and bring them under bondage. This is why the enemy uses this strategy to harm God’s children. My desire is to bring light to this complex topic in order to bring healing and freedom.

So let’s define spiritual abuse:

Spiritual abuse occurs when someone uses God, scripture, doctrine, spiritual language or positions of authority to exploit, manipulate, or control.

 Has this ever happened to you? Chances are if you have been in the church long enough you will encounter different forms of spiritual abuse. For some it may be difficult to actually admit that you’ve experienced abuse. Abuse seems to be too strong a word, after all, no one actually hit you. But abuse in Webster’s dictionary is defined as such:

• A corrupt practice or custom
• Improper or excessive use or treatment: Misuse
• Language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily

When someone engages in spiritual abuse they are corrupting what is good, godly and pure and weaponizing it to suit their own selfish agenda. It is a misuse of scripture or the prophetic. It insidiously masquerades as of God when in reality it is of the devil.

Take this example:

Sarah is a compassionate person who truly desires to honor the Lord in everything she does. She wants to serve God and His people. She diligently reads her Bible and attends church. She gives tithe and supports her pastor. But lately things at church have been difficult for her. The children’s director, Pamela has repeatedly asked her for more time volunteering in the children’s department. Although Sarah has volunteered a lot lately she is starting to feel pressure from Pamela. Sarah has expressed her need to take some time off from volunteering. She has her own family to take care of on top of other priorities. Every time she says no to Pamela, she gets the silent treatment. In addition to all of this, Pamela has started to make passive aggressive remarks about a Christian’s duty to serve and how much Jesus loves children. The last time Sarah declined Pamela’s request for help, Pamela began probing about the reasons why Sarah wasn’t helping out more. “I have a lot on my plate these days,” responded Sarah. “But isn’t serving God and his children more important than anything else? Sometimes you have to be willing to sacrifice other things for the most important thing, God. The Bible says to put God first.” Sarah suddenly feels confused. She knows that she should put God first in her life and she desperately wants to please Him. Is Pamela right? Is she dishonoring God by not serving more in the children’s ministry? Sarah respects Pamela, She is a long standing member of their church who seems dedicated to serving God through the children’s ministry. Other’s speak highly of Pamela’s hard work and devotion. Surely Pamela is right, but something deep within Sarah tells her this feels off. 

 

       This is a mild but classic example of how God, scripture and spiritual language are used to manipulate. It’s clear that Pamela needs help in the children’s department but she is taking advantage of Sarah’s good nature and desire to serve God, seeking to manipulate her into doing what she wants her to do. She cannot respect Sarah’s “no.” She does not value Sarah as a person. She simply needs someone to do the work, and she is willing to manipulate Sarah into complying with her agenda. This can be incredibly harmful to Sarah because it brings confusion about what God truly wants from her. Sarah needs to be able to spot the ways Pamela is using God to control and manipulate. She needs to understand the truth that putting God first doesn’t equate serving in the children’s ministry.

Ultimately, spiritual abuse like all other forms of abuse is about control.

      Unhealthy and toxic people often resort to controlling tactics in their relationships and unfortunately there are a lot of these types of people within the church. Jesus calls them wolves in sheep’s clothing. You will experience different forms of abuse from people like this. Things like Gas-lighting, manipulation, bullying, love bombing, passive aggressive behavior, lying, projection etc. The unique aspect of spiritual abuse is that all of the above controlling tactics now have the name of God attached to them. This is what makes spiritual abuse hard to detect and deflect. People who resort to spiritual abuse do so because it works. They have had success in gaining power over another person using spiritual manipulation, so why not? We have to be sharp in our discernment in order to untangle ourselves from abusive and toxic people.

Here are some key ways you can spot spiritual abuse.

1. Trust your gut– How do you feel when you are around this person? How does your body feel? Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells around them? Do you often feel pressure from this person? Do you feel anxious around this person? Take note of the warning bells going off in your mind and body. Our bodies are wired to crave safety and when we are around unsafe people, our bodies will tell us in some way shape or form. One of the ways I got out of a spiritual abusive relationship was finally paying attention to what was going on in my mind and body. I increasingly felt uncomfortable around this person. I increasingly felt anxious, insecure, and fearful. I even felt down or depressed when I knew I had to be around them. It wan’t until I almost had a panic attack before meeting them that I finally paid attention to what my body was telling me.

2. How does this person respond to your “no”? One clear way to detect if someone is trying to gain control over you is how they respond to your boundaries. Do they respect your “no”? If they can’t respect your no, than chances are they don’t respect you. They are only interested in what they can get from you. Though they may tell you how much they love and care for you, if they don’t respect your boundaries than they are not safe people.

3. Is this person trying to isolate you from others? Abusers will often isolate their victim, keeping them from the loving protection of safe relationships. They may villianize or slander safe people in your life. They may do things to make you feel special in the relationship all the while grooming you for their own selfish purposes. Beware of people who try to get you to alienate others in order to be in relationship with them.
4.  A false reality. Often times toxic people live in a world of self-deception. It’s the only way they can justify their behavior. They tell themselves a certain narrative in order to excuse unhealthy patterns of abuse. The problem is,    they want you to go along with the fantasy. Pay attention to how they use God, spiritual language or Scriptures to  support their false reality. You may feel that this person is “fake” or puts on a show in certain settings. Their          perception of a situation is distorted. They often resort to playing the victim when someone calls them out on      their behavior.

 

The reason why spiritual abuse can be so damaging is that it can distort our view of God. When we experience abuse from people in the church who are meant to represent God, we may want to run as far away as possible from the anything to do with God. This is totally normal. We desperate seek to avoid the thing that hurt us. It’s critical for our relationship with God to untangle the truth from the lies, to distinguish what is from God and what is not from God. It may take a lot of time and intentionality but it is possible to heal from spiritual abuse.

Keys for healing.

1. Talk to someone. Recovering from any type of abuse requires the loving support of safe people. Find those people in your life who can support you as you sort through the pain caused by spiritual abuse. Find a therapist who specializes in this topic. Find a support group. Telling your story in a safe place will go a long way in your healing process.

2. Ask God to reveal the truth about who He is and what He is really like. The only way to tell the real from the counterfeit is to know the real. Ask God to unveil the lies you’ve been told about Him. He longs to set the record straight and reveal to you His true nature and character. Don’t allow someone’s misrepresentation of God to ruin the beautiful and real relationship you can have with Him. Replacing the corrupted and twisted version about God with the truth will bring an incredible amount of healing to your heart.
3. Give yourself lots of grace and lots of space. The healing process is messy. Giving yourself grace to navigate this journey is key. Don’t shame yourself for how long it’s taking or the rollercoaster of emotions you are having. Also give yourself the space you need. You can’t heal in the same environment that hurt you. Get out! Leave toxic relationships or set VERY strong boundaries. You may need to take a break from church, ministry or a relationship that has facilitated spiritual abuse. Not only is it ok, but it may be necessary for you to fully heal.
4. Grieve and lament. Going through spiritual abuse hurts. You may experience a lot of loss in the process of healing: Loss of a sense of self, loss of faith, loss of relationships, loss of community. Grieving these losses and lamenting the pain of abuse is key to the healing process. Jesus said “Blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted.” Grieving and lamenting helps you to get out all the swirling emotions within, the anger, the sadness, the frustration, the fear etc. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions and express them in a healthy way is critical!

 

Need help processing your own experience with spiritual abuse?  Schedule a free consultation to find out if coaching is a good fit for you!