The Ravages of War

 

I’m not quite sure how to categorize this piece of writing.  Is it a poem?  A Sonnet?  I don’t even know the correct technical terms. It’s just my heart poured out on a page.  This came out of a season when we had just returned from the field and I needed to heal and recover.  Writing helped to get my thoughts in order and process what we had just gone through.  I feel that this may resonate with many others so I decided to share. 

 

This war-torn land, soaked with blood, sweat and tears.

I didn’t escape without wounds.

I still feel the sting of the hits.

I still smell the stench of death.

I feel the weight of it on my shoulders.

The weariness soaks in my bones.

Every man for himself as we run.

I couldn’t see past the smoke,

Confused by the enemy’s assault.

But as the smoke clears I see One

Standing victorious over the battle

Rising above the noise and the chaos.

He lifts my eyes to see Him…….fighting with me, fighting for me.

At just the right moment He rescues me and all is silenced.

All is calm.

He sends in the medics to treat the wounds, assess the damage.

He removes me from the wreckage

He takes me to a quiet resting place.

Here I can rest.

I can heal.

I can recover.

It’s safe here.

I’m safe here.

The fog is lifting, the tense muscles relaxing, the defenses lowering.

The reactiveness to threats is starting to subside.

I don’t have to protect myself.

I am protected, shielded, hemmed in.

           

Here I grieve.

Here I recall.

I mourn the losses.

I remember the heat of the battle.

I feel the weight of pain.

I long to self-medicate,

Escape.

Don’t think,

Don’t feel,

Want everything to be ok.

Live on the surface,

Suppress, don’t address…

The hurt lurking underneath.

To face it head on takes courage

Even after the battle’s over,

It feels like a new one has begun.

The battle to move forward and not get stuck.

The battle to live again, free from the pain of the past.

Only a memory

Yet shrouded in his peace.

Can I look back with the lenses He’s giving me?

Can I see what he wants me to see?

They say time heals all wounds.

I say they just sit festering

Unless taken care of.

It’s not time that heals,

Yet it takes time to heal.

There’s only One who heals and I need Him right beside me

Every step of the way.

This process, this rehabilitation,

Learning to walk again in a new way- His way.

He lifts my body- I lean.

He massages the muscles

Working out the knots wound tight in fear and stress.

It hurts so good.

Breath breathed back into my lungs.

I can breathe again.

Don’t have to awaken in alarm.

The sudden jolt from restless sleep.

Don’t have to rush to the battle.

He’s giving me space –time and space.

I can sleep in peace.

I can lie down in rest.

Nothing demanding something I cannot give.

And I am safe here.

I am protected.

I feel the release of emotion.

Tears pent up behind dams of self-preservation,

But I let the tears flow.

And as they come rushing out,

His comfort comes rushing in.

He holds me as I cry,

I’m feeling my way into freedom.

Freedom from the pain,

Don’t have to carry this around with me anymore.

“I’ll take it” He says, “just leave it here.”

 

I remember the loss of my fellow soldiers.

Some didn’t make it.

Some did,

But just barely, broken and maimed.

Shell-shocked.

Trying to cope.

There are some not willing to leave the battle-field.

It’s all they know.

The only thing that feels like home.

Familiar.

Hardening themselves, they press on

Unwilling to let go,

They feel too far changed to return home.

Too afraid of what they might hear when there’s silence.

Too afraid what they might see when they take time to look in the mirror.

No, all they know is war.

All they know is to fight.

Rest? They scoff.

They fear it.

Numb the pain,

Push through it,

Soldier on.

That’s all they know to do.

           

I remember them.

I grieve the loss of their humanity.

Love grown cold.

Disillusion and disappointment clouding their vision.

They fight, but not for the cause anymore.

Not for each other.

They fight for survival, just survive.

Betrayal and abandonment becomes easy when your only goal is to survive.

Did we forget why we signed up? Why we joined the fight?

Did the cause get lost in the suffering?

Did the vision become clouded by the realities of war?

How can a soldier fight alone?

He must have a team, a squad,

Built on trust, support, a bond unbreakable.

How many were left behind?

How many were used? Abused?

A means to justify an end?

Only seen as a uniform, a weapon, a body,

Not a human with feelings, thoughts, dreams and aspirations.

Loved and known by His creator,

Gifted and called,

Unique in every way.

But they were lost in the masses,

Just called upon to do their duty.

Letters from home came few and far between.

Sad and alone, they fought with barely enough nourishment to sustain.

Their provisions few- reducing their strength,

Demoralized, they felt worthless…like nothing.

Does no one see them?

Are they forgotten?

Look into their eyes.

See into their souls.

They are worth all the resources of heaven.

The greatest gift a Father could give,

His one and only precious Son.

The Morning Star,

The Chosen One,

Beautiful,

Perfect in every way.

Given for such as these.

Do we see the value?

Do we see the Father’s heart?

           

I do not forget them,

But it is for them,

For myself, I choose to heal.

Yes, healing is a choice I make.

The process may be slow and at times painful,

But I will be whole again.

And I will continue to fight,

But perhaps I will fight in a different way,

Wiser,

Stronger,

Better prepared.

Hope being the fuel,

Love, my protection.

I trust His leadership,

His command.

I only take orders from Him.

Knowing His voice, and discerning His direction.

I won’t be fooled again by false orders not sent from my Father.

For I know His heart, His voice, His desire.

I won’t be caught in the enemy’s trap

And I will help to show my fellow soldiers where to step.