Dealing with Disappointment

We all experience disappointment in our lives whether big or small. It’s how we deal with the disappointment that determines how we will move forward. I believe that disappointment is one of the biggest robbers of the dreams and destiny God has for us. The writer of proverbs captured this thought perfectly when he stated “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12 NASB)

Disappointment is hope deferred. It’s what happens when what we hoped for didn’t come to pass, our expectations unfulfilled. When we experience disappointment there’s a temptation to wall ourselves off from ever hoping again. At least then we can protect ourselves from the pain of being disappointed. Ever heard the phrase “Don’t get your hopes up”? This is spoken from a desire to protect against disappointment. We don’t like to feel it ’cause it’s too painful.

I’ve definitely had my fair share of disappointments in life, many of which I experienced while on the mission field. I had big expectations and grand imaginations for what it would be like to serve God overseas. Our first year into it felt more like a crushing than a soaring, but as I look back into that season, we needed the crushing in order to produce the new wine of His presence that He wanted to cultivate in our lives. The key was not to shut down in the pain of disappointment. It wasn’t easy but by the grace of God we learned to process the pain we had gone through in order to heal and move forward.

I wanted to share with you some important truths I’ve learned in navigating disappointment.

1. Be aware of it.

It’s easy to go through something really difficult and come out it in denial. Denial is a coping mechanism that people implement, whether knowingly or unknowingly, to just get through. We stuff the pain, try to push past the disappointment and just get on with life. To actually face it and work through it might seem too much to emotionally handle and yet it’s the only way out. Acknowledging the disappointment you’ve experienced is absolutely essential to healing from it. Just be honest with God, yourself and others. It’s ok to say “Man, that was really tough, I was so hoping for a different outcome and it didn’t happen.”

Key indicators that you are carrying disappointment may be:

Cynicism- you find yourself cynical about life in general and critical of others’ success.
A general heaviness or depressed feeling- the pain of disappointment overwhelming you.
Unwilling to try new things- you fear being disappointed with the outcome.
Resistance to vulnerability in relationships- don’t want to risk being hurt by people again.
Difficulty worshipping- you find it hard to sing praise to God because you feel let down by Him.

Awareness is always the first step to recovery.

2. Ask the “Why” Questions.

Come to God with all your questions. “Why did this happen?” “Why didn’t this happen?” It’s ok and actually quite necessary to ask the difficult questions. You may not get a direct answer to all of them but it’s important to just get it out there. Job asked God a lot of “why” questions. David asked God a lot of “why” questions. Even Jesus on the Cross, in the midst of intense pain and suffering, asked God “Why?” Some might feel it’s wrong to question God, but allowing ourselves to just have honest conversation with God about our pain can bring a lot of healing in and of itself. It’s pouring your heart before him. David understood this and did a great job of modeling this for us in the psalms. He was honest with God about his heartaches, his fears, his frustration and his suffering. He brought it all before the Lord because he knew He needed God’s perspective. Many times in my life when I was walking through some heavy stuff, just going to God with it and being honest with how I was feeling helped lift that heaviness. Sometimes I processed the pain by journalling, sometimes through writing a song or playing the piano. Sometimes it was talking about it with my husband or a trusted friend. There are many ways you can process your disappointment, the important thing is that you take the time to do it.

3. Lament your losses.

What have you lost in the disappointment? What was the thing you were hoping for that didn’t come to pass? Did it have to do with relationships? A prayer unanswered? A loved one not healed? A loss of finances? An abrupt move or loss of community? A ministry endeavor that didn’t come to pass?

Whatever your loss, you can take steps to receive healing and comfort through grieving. For example, with my fourth pregnancy I had horrible morning sickness. It was so debilitating that I was basically bed ridden for two months. I desperately believed and hoped for healing. I cried out to God in the midst of my suffering to take the pain away. Eventually my morning sickness subsided after I reached 20 weeks of pregnancy but the miraculous, instantaneous healing never came. I came out of those two months honestly disappointed in God. I hoped for something that didn’t come about the way I wanted it to. Looking back I knew that part of processing that disappointment was acknowledging the things I felt like I lost during those two months: time with my family, homeschooling my children, meeting with friends, the enjoyment of eating good food etc. There were several things that I felt that I “lost” during that time. Acknowledging that helped me to grieve the losses and surrender them to the Lord. Though it’s not pleasant, it’s healthy to grieve the losses. Think of grieving as a road we travel to get to the destination of healing and comfort. It’s the means by which we get there. Thankfully we don’t have to get stuck on this road. Mourning and grieving come with a promise. You’ll see that in the next step.

4. Find the Promise on the Other Side of Pain.

God is the great Redeemer. He has this amazing way of taking really difficult situations and bringing good out of them. He takes what the enemy meant for evil and turns it around for our good. He works all things together for good. Do you see a theme? He can make it GOOD! Disappointment is hard and sometimes it can be hard to see anything good that can come from it, yet God can bring you up to see things from His perspective and transform the pain of disappointment into something good for His glory. Even though I experienced a lot of pain and sickness during my pregnancy, the joy came with the birth of our son. He was the fulfillment of the beautiful promise I was holding onto in the midst of the suffering.

What has he taught you through your own experience with disappointment? How was He with you in the midst of the pain and struggle? How can you grow from what you’ve learned? How can God redeem what you’ve lost? What’s the promise of blessing that He wants you to receive?

One of the biggest disappointments in my life happened when my mom passed away from cancer in 2008. I desperately prayed for her healing and honestly struggled with denial when she passed away. To say I was disappointed with the outcome is a huge understatement. I was devastated. For months following her death I grieved the best I knew how, but there was a part of me that felt like I couldn’t trust God anymore. I felt like He had taken away someone who was so precious to me. It took me a while to gain His perspective and eventually He brought me to a place of peace. Even years later he’s shown me more areas related to my mom’s passing that I needed to grieve and work through. The promise I hold on to regarding the passing of my mom is that one day I will be with her again in eternity. I have all eternity to catch up with her on the years missed here on earth. What an incredible promise that I look forward to!

What’s the promise that He’s speaking to you about in relation to the pain you’ve experienced? Jesus experienced excruciating pain on the cross but it was the promise of the joy set before Him (relationship with you and me) that kept him going.

5. Learn to hope again.

Disappointment has a sneaky way of stealing our hope. The enemy wants us to get so bogged down with disappointment that we never hope again. And if we never hope again we will never walk by faith, because hope is the environment in which faith can grow(Hebrews 11:1). Without hope we can’t have faith and without faith it is impossible to please Him. Many of us live our lives reduced by fear of disappointment when we were created to walk in the supernatural. Ask God to breathe His hope into you again. He is hope and He is the hope giver. If anyone has reason to lose hope for humanity it would be God. I believe He created this world with the hope of an eternity spent in loving relationship with us. Yet sin got in the way, and many of his beloved creation lives in separation from Him. Because He didn’t give up in disappointment and made a way of redemption, you and I get to enjoy this loving relationship with Him forever.

Don’t allow past disappointments to rob you of the destiny and calling He’s placed on your life. Jesus said that in this world we will have trouble but we can take heart because He has overcome the world. Praise God that through Jesus we can overcome disappointment and walk in His glorious hope!

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13

If you’ve been impacted by this article please reach out to me! I’d love to hear your own journey of processing disappointment and finding healing and freedom in Christ! You can reach me at

ha****@sa***********.com