The Power of Empathy in Healing Trauma

        From the time we are born we long for the acknowledgement of our pain from others. As babies we cried out when we were hungry, sleepy, uncomfortable… all because we needed that tender care and attention from our mothers. As toddlers we ran to mommy when we fell down and scraped our knee or when the other kid took our toy from us. This behavior shows the intrinsic need within us to be heard, understood, and to have our pain, whether physical or emotional, acknowledged.

      This need does not go away as we enter into adulthood, though our expression of that need may change form. When life happens, people get hurt.  Humanity is left with various types of trauma trying to cope and get through life. There is a ton of research, money, energy and effort that goes into understanding and healing trauma. There are a myriad of techniques, methods, opinions and ideologies surrounding this topic. I do not pretend to be an expert but as I’ve walked my own trauma-healing journey I’ve learned some things.

        One element of the healing process is telling your story in a safe place.  Most therapists will agree that this involves sharing that story to an empathetic listener. The thing that often causes our trauma to be more complex and harder to overcome is the lack of an empathetic witness. Basically, it’s the absence of someone who will just listen with compassion and understanding. In our healing journey we need someone who is willing to sit with us in the hard stuff and bear witness to our suffering. This is the acknowledgement that our pain is real, that what happened to us was unjust, and that what we experienced did affect us in a horribly negative way. Empathy is a powerful way to bring healing to others. It is saying to the other person, I see you, I hear you, and I value you. It’s communicating the powerful truth that “YOU MATTER”.

       Yet for many of us, our cry of pain has often been met with apathy, dismissal, denial or even disdain. When sharing our story we can often leave the conversation feeling belittled, confused and even ashamed of our pain.

Have you ever heard the phrases “ just get over it.” “it’s not that big of a deal” “it could have been worse.” “just don’t think about it.” “Well, it’s over now.” “leave the past in the past” “Just forgive and forget.”  These comments, among others, expose an incredible lack of empathy and compassion in the listener and does not represent the heart of God.

What’s worse is that many people in the body of Christ use Scripture and spiritual language to minimize and invalidate people’s pain and trauma. Maybe you’ve heard phrases like “Well, the Bible tells us to rejoice in our trials.” Or  “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.”  “We don’t always understand God’s will but we must trust Him.”  “God must have had a reason for you to go through that.”

While all of these phrases can be true they can often be misappropriated or used to dismiss our pain. There are many scriptures that talk about the need to mourn. There are many Scriptures that talk about God’s deep compassion to those who are suffering. David is honest with God in His wrestle with emotional stress. Job wrestled with God over what happened to him. Even Jesus on the cross, cried out “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”

Sometimes Christians can fall into the trap of toxic positivity, quoting scriptures or speaking Christian-ese that actually does more harm than good. It leaves the listeners feeling shamed and invalidated rather than supported and cared for. 

It can lead to us feeling that our pain isn’t worth compassion and therefore must not be important to God. Nothing can be further from the truth, and believing that lie is what leads many to have unresolved trauma in their lives. 

       We need to be better in the church about showing real empathy and compassion to people who are struggling with the pain of trauma. Our acknowledgement and compassion can go a long way in helping them in their healing process.

So how can we practice true empathy with our brothers and sisters in Christ? Here are some good tips that I’ve learned:

Active and Invested Listening

When someone is sharing about the difficulty they have walked through you can practice empathy by listening well. I can’t tell you how honestly rare it is to find people who are good listeners. The best listeners learn by practicing. Some basic practical keys to being a good listener is:

1. Don’t interrupt. If you interrupt someone it clearly shows you are not listening. You are more concerned about what you have to say and want to say it quickly, rather than waiting patiently for the other person to finish. Pay attention to your heart posture. Are you listening or are you thinking about what you want to say? 
2. Watch your body language. Make eye contact, nod your head from time to time showing that you are hearing them and understanding what they are saying. Don’t yawn! Don’t roll your eyes! Don’t look at your phone while they are talking! Body language says a lot about how you are caring for another person.
3. Leave judgment, criticism, shame and condemnation out of the conversation. A major killer of empathy is judgment. When we are judging how a person is reacting to a situation we cut off our ability to feel empathy. Even if you don’t agree with how they are reacting, or if you wouldn’t react in the same way, be careful that you don’t make this about yourself.
4. Don’t try to “fix” them. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Don’t give unsolicited advice. Rather than seeing them as a problem to be fixed, see them as a human being that just needs someone to hold their story in an honoring and loving way. I know this is super hard for you problem-solvers, but rushing to offer a solution can sometimes do more harm than good. 
5. Make empathic statements such as “this must be so hard for you.” Or “I can imagine how difficult this must be for you,”  “that’s a lot.” “I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this.”  “What happened to you is not ok.” 
6. Summarize, repeat and ask questions: After a person shares you can say things back to them like “I heard you say….. or It sounds like…” You can ask clarifying questions to show that you want to understand more of what they are feeling. You can say things like “When that happened, how did it make you feel?” Or “How are you handling all of this?” or “What has been the hardest part for you?” These are ways you can show that you care about their emotions and the pain they are experiencing.
7. Be careful when trying to relate by sharing your own experiences. I understand the desire to help people by sharing your story in an effort to relate to what they are going through. While sometimes this may be helpful, other times it just takes the attention away from the person and puts it on yourself. There are moments however, when sharing your testimony of going through something similar is what the other person needs to hear. If you feel like the Holy Spirit is prompting you to share your testimony, ask the person first if it’s ok. Say something like “I can really relate to what you are going through, I would be honored to share my own story with you if you feel it would be helpful, but I’m also happy to just continue to listen and be here for you in the way that best serves you.”

It’s important to understand that empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and trying to feel what they feel. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you are thinking about how you would react to the same situation, it’s acknowledging that if you were them, you would understand that they are experiencing pain from this situation. In a sense you are saying “I believe you.” “I believe that you are in pain and this is hard for you.”  You are choosing to stand with them in something that is hard, even if you don’t fully understand. You can even be honest with the person and say “I don’t know what it’s like to go through this but I see this is extremely painful for you and I’m here.”  For some, empathy comes more naturally, but for others it has to be learned. But the fact is, it can be learned. Empathy is an expression of love in which all of us have the opportunity to grow in. 

We need to get good at leaving “shoulds” out of the equation when practicing empathy. When we take the position of “you should do this” or “I would have done this.” The other person will most likely feel judged and shamed. This will only add to their trauma, not help heal it! Part of the complexity of trauma is that often people will feel a deep sense of shame over what happened to them. Chances are, they are already beating themselves up, and telling themselves what they should or shouldn’t have done.  When we make “should” statements to them, it’s like putting salt on already open and festering wound.

When Empathy is Exploited.

I think it’s worth mentioning that there are those who will take your empathy and compassion as permission to wallow in their victimhood. There are many people who will feed off of empaths and compassionate listeners to the point where it becomes extremely unhealthy for both the listener and the speaker.

When practicing empathy, it is crucial that you set healthy boundaries around what you are giving because… you are giving. Empathy is a form of ministry, and just like any other type of ministry, it can be abused and taken advantage of for selfish reasons.

Empathetic listening can be rewarding but it also can be very draining, especially if the person you are listening to, has no real desire to be healed. It will feel like you are going around and around in circles with no end in sight! Trust me I’ve experienced this many times!!

 Recognize when someone is using you to vent in a toxic way but showing no signs of wanting to heal, change or move forward. If they are only unloading their offense, bitterness and rage it can actually be quite damaging to you. While we want to show real compassion and understanding to people in their pain and suffering, we also want to love them into wholeness. 

We might want to ask questions such as “What are some things you are doing to help heal?” or “How might you find some closure to this situation?” “What do you think God’s heart for you is in this situation?” “What’s a good first step you can take to start the process of healing?” “Have you thought about seeing a therapist or talking to a trained professional who can help.”  

These are gentle ways to point people toward moving forward and not enabling them to stay stuck in wounded-ness. If someone is not showing any signs of wanting to move forward after some time, then you may need to evaluate your level of involvement in this person’s situation. Again, boundaries are key and you do not want to put yourself in a position of enabling.

As an empathetic listener, know your limitations. Know when there are times you are not in a good place to offer a listening ear. Know when you need to put boundaries around empathetic listening. You might need to let the other person know how much time and capacity you have to give. There is a reason why therapists set time limits to their therapy sessions!

You, as the empathetic listener, will need to practice good self-care, especially if you’re practicing empathy as a profession- coaching, therapy, chaplaincy, pastoring, mentoring etc. Take time to re-fuel and re-charge. Find people in your life who will be that empathetic listener to YOU! You need that kind of love just as much as others!

Above all,  let God lead you in practicing empathy. He is our great comforter! He will give you wisdom, discernment and grace to walk out true compassion that will draw others to Him. He is the healer, and the ultimate witness to our suffering. He holds our tears in his bottle (Psalm 56:8), he understands our weaknesses(Hebrews 4:15) and He is near to the broken-hearted.(Psalm 34:18)